Do you ever question your faith? Do you ask yourself how do you revolve your whole life around someone you've never seen? I have. Honestly, I think all Christians have. The way we keep revolving our life around God is by having faith. Faith to me is knowing God has a plan and in the end good will happen. Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
I was raised in a Baptist church until I was about 6 or 7 years old then we slowly strayed away from going. As I reached my teen years my life was desperately seeking Jesus. I was 14, I started dating a boy who wasn't Christ-like at all. He stated many times that he believed in God but then he'd listen to awful music about molestation, killing, pedophiles, etc., he was a very dark and sad person. I was very impressionable at 14 and I was very glad he thought so highly of me, which I knew he did because he so often told me. He started talking about how the world was out to get us and made everything seem so scary and sad. Soon I was contemplating suicide. I had it all figured out, how & where. What stopped me? My curly haired 5 year old sister. I knew she looked up to me... What would she do if she came in my room and saw me? How would that change her life? How would it effect my mom? Plus we fought all odds just for me to survive, God took his time to put thought and effort into creating me then I'm gonna put an end to it all? No. He made me, gave me the life I have and helped me overcome all my struggles since birth for a reason. I know that now.
15 years old was a pretty hectic time in my life. After seeing a counselor for a while and finally getting on depression medicine and getting stable, I guess I figured it was time to rock the boat a little more. After being on the internet constantly and watching YouTube videos of people and killing time on chat sites, I decided I was gay. So my mom brought supper home and she gave me my food, I handed her a note. It basically said "Mom, I'm a lesbian. I've prayed about it but nothings happened. I know you're gonna be disappointed in me but I can't change who I am." She wrote back "I love you no matter what and I'll pray for you."... Was I really a lesbian? Of course not. I was so wrapped up in wanting a place to fit in and be accepted especially after the whole suicide ordeal. The LGBT community is a great place to feel like you belong somewhere! I was trying to "find myself". I believe its hard for any teenager to know where they belong unless they have a boat load of high self esteem, I obviously didn't. I met my absolute best friend in my time of self-searching and made a few more good friends! I'm not knocking the LGBT community, I'm impressed by how accepting they are. But when it came down to it, I knew it wasn't right for me. That just wasn't what God had planned.
At 16 I was reunited with a guy who I dated previously and had very strong feelings for. We started dating again and soon fell "in love". After about 9 months of seeing each other on a daily basis he proposed. It wasn't the fairy tale proposal that little girls dream about by any means.. Actually, it was over the phone(even though he lived less than 10 minutes away from my house). I said yes. We were great for a while, even attended church a time or two! We got an apartment together and planned on getting married the weekend after my 18th birthday. As time went on we quickly fell apart... Fighting constantly, lies were slowly building up and a wall was formed. After a year of being together we were over in an instant. Suddenly we had a fight that ended us completely.. I thought my life was over. Our first Christmas, Christmas tree, Thanksgiving, family get-together's, rainy nights watching movies in our very own apartment, I really liked his family, I assumed he liked mine.. All that was gone. I dropped out of high school because he was 4 years older than me and when he was off work he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend/fiance` and I was in school or sick. Granted, he never told me to drop out but I didn't want him finding someone else to spend his time with. I thought we were in love and was meant to be. Now I know that I loved him as a person but was never IN LOVE with him. I know what love is now.. I was so used to him being there and it was comfortable to be with him. It wasn't anything like I'm experiencing now with my husband. At the time our relationship ended I was sure I'd never find anyone else and that my whole life would never be the same, I'd always be miserable... Boy was I wrong!
I met an amazing man at 18 years old. He was shockingly sweet right from the start. We met up on New Years Eve, I was a little under the influence and he was sober. He didn't try anything inappropriate at all even though I put myself in a potentially bad situation. We left the party we were at and went back to my parents house, he, my family and I were sitting around the fire talking and cutting up. He instantly warmed up to my crazy family and they loved him! As the night went on and I sobered up little by little things steadily became better, more fun. I was crazy about him from night one.. We saw each other every weekend for a few months then we ended up living together. Three months into the relationship he picked me up a gorgeous diamond ring, took me out to the land where his family was raised and lived for a long time and got down on one knee and said "my family's life began here and ended here... I want mine to begin here too." I started up the water works and he was so shaky but managed to put the ring on my finger. As soon as the ring was on, it started pouring down rain so we ran back to the truck. That was the happiest day of my life!... Until two months later we randomly got married in the courthouse without warning anyone. I was wearing my Mossy Oak camo sweatpants, Ariat boots and Arkansas Razorback tshirt. We were an hour away from either of our home towns and I was exhausted from planning our dream wedding, making budgets and what not. He asked if I wanted to get married then and there so two hours later we were Mr. & Mrs. Turner! It all happened so fast but if you know you've found the person God intended you to be with, why wait? We're young but we're completely head over heels in love! No doubt in my mind he is my soulmate.
After things got settled down and we got our new apartment fixed up and he got a great job, things seemed great! Our love was only getting stronger, financially we were doing alright and we had the cutest puppy ever.. What more does a person need?...A baby! We eventually started discussing kids and if it was even safe for me to have a baby since I have this skin disorder. Of course there was no way of knowing since I'm the oldest girl one in America with Harlequin Ichthyosis. No one else has ever been pregnant according to doctors. We talked about it millions of times, prayed about it constantly. We talked to our families, friends, doctors, each other but mainly God. We decided we were gonna go for it! I've never let my skin hold me back.. I went to public school, was a cheerleader for 4 years, was a girl scout, I go to the lake in the summer, I have friends, go out, hunt, fish, I do anything any other girl does. I've proven statistics wrong my entire life with the help of God, momma and doctors. I told Curt this and he agreed that if I felt that strongly about it and knew the risks and were willing to take them then he'd be behind me every step of the way. Afterall, he wanted to be a daddy too!
We began to pray every night that God would let whatever he wanted to happen, happen. Whether that meant getting pregnant or adopting. Within the first month I had missed my period! I was so nervous because before we tried getting pregnant, we had been irresponsible before and we had a pregnancy scare but then a few days later I started my period. Even though we weren't trying then I still couldn't help but get a little excited.. This time, I realized I missed it so after I was a week late I took a test with only my momma knowing and it came back POSITIVE.... All seven of them did, haha! Curt and I were both overwhelmed with excitement, both crying like crazy, kissing and hugging.
This all sounds great and probably doesn't sound too odd to you. But add this into the equation; after my I had unprotected sex with my ex fiance and I got a little wild after we broke up. Never did I get pregnant. I also had unprotected sex with Curt for a little bit until we came to our senses, never got pregnant. It took praying, being in love and getting married for God to bless us with our little miracle. It happened at just the right time!... Almost.
I became very sick, puking all the time, head hurting and dizzy. I was expecting it to be an awful pregnancy. Turns out there was mold in our apartment so we had to move out quick! We had no choice but to move back in with my parents, which is no fun. I love my momma with all my heart but I'd much rather just live with Curt and my pupdog. Weeks went by, hormones are getting crazy, I've become a big ole baby and ended up getting pretty depressed. We always seemed to be broke even though Curt had a great job and I make money myself. We didn't have a house, every single one we looked at in our price range was pretty bad and everyone seemed so on edge plus Curt and I were fighting more. I began to pray like crazy... Praying for the baby, praying for my marriage, praying for my family, praying for everything. I talked to Curt about going back to my old church, he was more than willing! We started going to church, we started praying and one night while I was crying, my phone rang.. It was my grandparents telling us a trailer that we previously looked at, loved and could afford came through! We should be moved in my Christmas.
Theres no doubt in my mind that God rewards them who follow him. Them who make a point to have God in their lives. God has always been there for me even when I couldn't see it or wasn't even asking him to be. He knew I needed him, I always need him. You always need him. I hope and pray that my story has a positive effect on atleast one person. I felt like I needed to share it so here ya go!
Luke 10:27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
