I'm not sure who wrote this beautiful poem but i love it!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Sex and ghettos.

<p>I have 2 apps telling me when I'm fertile and ovulating, I've never figured an app would get it right but since they both have the same days, I'm alot more convinced! All my days were last week, needless to say it was a heck of a week! TMI? Probably! Haha</p>
<p>We've decided we're getting the heck out of Jonesboro ASAP... This town is way too big! We like our apartment pretty well (if you block out the ghosts and crap, ha!) but the neighborhood is awful. It started out pretty good then went to crap very quickly. It's a college town and we live right beside the college. It's gotten much worse since school gas started.</p>
<p>The apartment right below us got broken into and we hear police and ambulance sirens atleast twice a day, no exaggeration needed. Then get this- we were cooking supper, talking, minding own business then we hear gun shots down the road....then more sirens. Are you kidding me? </p>
<p>I'm home alone during the day with Max so I'm pretty jumpy about noises outside.. Yesterday I was putting lotion on and heard a bunch of racket outside so I rushed to put on my Eyore footie jammies, grabbed my gun, locked Max in the bathroom and went and checked outside. Luckily it was only our neighbors fighting but could ya imagine breaking into an apartment and ur faced with a 5'2" red girl in footie pj's aimin a gun atchya? Yeah, I'm pretty much a badass. (<- true story)

Obviously this is no place to raise a baby so we'll hopefully find a house in my hometown by the time our lease is up.. 3 months left!

Also, it's my little sisters birthday Saturday! The big twelve years old! I love her SO much, I can honestly say she's one of my BEST friends! To me, she'll always be that curly afro headed baby that used to come in my room crying, holding my hand after I got in trouble & got a whoopin! I was a smart mouth haha. But in reality she's growing up, I hate it!

Me and Curt went with her on a date last Friday & met her BOYFRIEND! He's a great boy but come on now, boyfriend? Ugh. :(  I def. grilled him though - "Do ya like school? Grades good? What kinda music do ya like? How many siblings? Do you smoke, drink, dip?" He's 14. I might have gotten carried away a little but can't have a delinquent dating my sister! But thank God he seems pretty dang good! So sweet to Hailey which is my main worry! Hes passed the test so far! Haha.

Problem number one.

So here's the deal... I have petty bad depression/anxiety issues. I've been taking Paxil but a whiiile and been doing really good! But since we're trying to have a baby, I'm slowly getting off of it. I was on 40mg then reduced it to 20. I also quit dipping cold turkey, one of hardest things I've done.

Yesterday I woke up and it was like pulling teeth just to get out of bed to go pee! I was so down in the dumps.. I thought i might be sick until i realized that i might have thrown myself for a loop without even realizing it.

I got a little baby dip yesterday and felt a million times better but I dang near refuse to dip while I'm pregnant. I WebMd'd smokeless tobacco while pregnant, it said alot of women turn to it instead of smoking because it us safer than smoking but its still not SAFE. It can cause a breathing condition that causes random brief pauses in their breathing at night.

The thought of that terrifies me! The site also says the baby sometimes grows out of it but the thought of my baby having ANY health issues due to something I did or didn't do makes me sick to my stomach. Especially if i know better, ya know?

But if I quit completely its very likely that I'll have no choice but to choke Curt..Which isn't good for the baby either! (I'm kidding!). But in all seriousness, being unbelievably "down" before I'm even pregnant isn't good for ANYONE! So what in the heck do I do? Of course I'll talk to my doctor but I wanted to get a few more opinions too.

Thank y'all for reading my gripe post!
'Preciate it ;)

My dermatologists called back!

I called my derm. a week ago to ask her opinion on how my skin would react to pregnancy. A week later she called me back, better late than never! :) She told me that i was more prone to stretch marks (who cares?) & needed to gain healthy weight (sounds crazy to me since in my opinion I'm a pig lol, always eating!)..
She also mentioned that hydration would possibly be an issue and she didn't know if id carry full term due to my skin might not stretch AS much as needed. Hydration? Hook my butt up to an IV and pump fluids into me! The only thing that really makes me nervous is not carrying full term. But I'm trying to completely remain positive! I mean really, we got this!

It also helped tons that she sounded so positive about everything! She talked about how she's done research like crazy, talked to other doctors from other places and everything. She also recommended a babydoctor in Memphis. Memphis is an hour away from us and is where i was born. Luckily we know a few doctors there and the ones that delivered me are still there! Thank God!

I'm loving all the good news! Here's more!....
-hadn't had a single dip in 2 days!
-I'm done drinking, even when we're all hanging out with friends. (not that we drink alot at all but we'd celebrate birthdays, cooking out, watching football, etc.. With a beer or 5)
-I'm going to start eating healthier even if it tastes awful.

Well that's all the good news for today. :) Any tips? Share em! Don't forget to pray.

Pre prenatal multivitamin

So I've started taking women's One A Day prenatal pills that our friend gave me, she & my mother-in-law both recommended it seeing as how we're ttc (trying to conceive)..

Sunday I started my period. No big let down since we didn't decide that we were ttc until after I had already felt the period symptoms for this month. We already knew I want going to get pregnant this month.

I downloaded an app to help me try to chart my possible ovulation days. It's pretty hard to do though seeing as how my periods are sometimes irregular to begin with. I was told that the typical ovulation days were two weeks after my period...? We'll try it!

Saturday we told Curts family that we were trying, they were excited but nervous just like everyone else we've told. Completely understandable! I wouldn't expect any other reaction..

Tomorrow (Monday) I plan on contacting my dermatologist and seeing what she thinks about it. Even if she gives us an answer we don't wanna hear I doubt that will change much... I've proven doctors wrong my whole life! I know my body. It's all up to God. I sure hope he rules in our favor though! Haha.
Say a little prayer for us please 😊

Paranormal activity ain't got crap on us..

So a few weeks ago 3 dishes had fallen off of the dresser, entertainment center, and table beside the couch. All in one afternoon and all landed right side up. Nothing even spilled! Then the dishwasher stopped working for a few weeks, we called the manager to come look at it. He said he didn't know what was wrong with it but he'd get us a new one..  Then we we're getting ready to go somewhere, i was in the tub Curt was getting  ready in the bathroom with me. Then we heard a noise and the dish washer was on with soap in it! I joked and said "hell, if the 'ghost' is washing my dishes for me, let them!" Not thinking much of it. There has been a few nights Curt couldn't sleep  due to feeling like he's being watched.. I chalked that up as him being a scaredycat.

I've had awful nightmares but i didn't get too concerned with that either. Max randomly starts barking and growling at random places but especially in our laundry room. Keep in mind he's SUCH a sweet puppy but an excellent little protector.

Today we slept in.. Curt was up until 5 this morning unable to sleep. The dream catcher in the corner of our room was moving very quickly on its own. No fan or air was blowing on it.. Curt went to sonic to get food & placed a Bible under my pillow because that's what Curts grandparents told us to do to keep bad dreams from happening. The Bible that was under my pillow was from the laundry room.

Curt got back with food. He was in the living room eating and i was in bed. Max started barking and growling again more than ever, looking in our laundry room. I was very nervous and called Curt in. Curt looked in the utility room and noticed a mark specifically placed.

Also when we moved in we saw there was a crawlspace in the ceiling  that was glued & nailed shut. We talked to our apartment manager and we were told that it was the previous renters that done it and that we could undo it If we wanted.

After so much activity going on today, Curt decided it might be a good idea to see what was in there. I made him wait until after i took a bath and could be in there with him. Almost as soon as i got in the bath (Curt was in the bathroom with me talking) we heard a noise, the night stand drawer came open! He looked out of the bathroom and there were hand prints on the wall above the mirror. Almost greasy-like and pretty dark. Very noticeable! They were in an awkward position. Smaller than Curts hands. I could barely reach the area they were at, plus since my fingers don't stretch out all the way there's no way I done it! Also after Curt began to open the crawlspace and i made him quit, we later (right after we saw the prints above the mirror) noticed what looked like where fingers drug across the ceiling. Our ceilings are "popcorn painted" and have been that way since way before we moved in. I've studied that crawlspace many times wondering why it was sealed shut & I've NEVER seen the finger marks. Keep in mind before we moved in, the manager made us wait a week because they had to repaint and put new carpet in.. Plus every door had a hole in it. We've always known about the doors but we were never concerned about it until now. Then little things started happening, such as chords moved, etc. We called my best friend, Chelsea, to get get opinion. At this point I was in tears! She came over and completely agreed that something/someone was in there. I mean, how could you not!? We were seeing and hearing things! Everything was getting more 'in our face' with each passing minute. It was obvious whatever/whoever it was wanted to be noticed. Curt decided he'd open the crawlspace, against our better judgment. Nothing seemed to be up there thank goodness but the markings still aren't explained, neither are the noises. I could almost trick myself into blaming the neighbors for the sounds. As for the markings? No explanation! We aren't even staying at home tonight, we're staying at Chelseas! This all sounds bizarre and pretty crazy, I know! I've never gave "ghosts" two thoughts until now. I'm not talking about "ghosts" like Casper, Im talking more like spirits. If anyone has similar stories, please feel free to share or any advice!

Having a baby? Final decision!

As you probably know (if you watch our videos) having kids have been a constant subject in our house here lately.. We've talked ourself out of it countless numbers of times for a list of reasons. After praying & praying, thinking, talking, praying & thinking some more, we've finally made a final call.... We're gong to try to conceive a gorgeous little angel on our own- well with Gods help of course!

If something happens and we're just not meant to have a biological baby then we will definitely be adopting. We're gonna try like hell though! Lol.. Please pray hard for us; that we're emotionally strong enough to deal with the failed attempts, that everything will go smoothly and that everyone will be happy and healthy no matter what the outcome might be.

Side note: I also dipped my last dip of Grizzly tonight! If we're going to try to get pregnant I don't want to risk ANYTHING. Congratulations to meeeee! 😊

If anyone has any tips or tricks please let me know!
Twitter:StephOnliine